Anxious Attachment

Have you ever found yourself becoming upset when your partner doesn't text you back right away? Do you struggle with thoughts of being left by your significant other or family? If so you may struggle with anxious attachment.

If you are unsure of your attachment style- here are some indicators of anxious attachment:

• The constant fear that others will leave you in relationships

• Fear of ending up alone

• Struggles with emotional eating

• Poor boundaries

• Chameleon behavior to be loved

• The belief that love must be earned

• Caretaking of others

• Fear that expressing your needs will cause the relationship to crash

• Fear of being separated

• Wanting to be with someone and connected to them at all times

• Dislike of being alone

• Needing constant reassurance of love and acceptance

• Frequently feeling that something is wrong or you have done something wrong

• Displaying behaviors that appear needy

• Feelings of jealously

These indicators point towards anxious attachment. When children don't receive emotional attunement during moments they feel big feelings, on a regular basis they may develop insecure attachment. This means that they do not view the world from a place of safety and belonging but rather a place of disconnection and uncertainty. When an insecure attachment is developed children will typically present their insecure attachment through different styles of attaching. Anxious attachment happens when a child becomes the emotional support for their caregiver.

When children are depended upon to soothe a parent's dysregulated emotions they lose themselves. Because their caregivers lack a real and enduring connection to themselves they pass this along to their child, who then begins to look for themself in others. These kids often found connections around taking care of the people around them.

Children who grow up this way become adults who regularly take care of others instead of taking care of their own needs. They become intuitive in knowing what others need and often jump on caretaking. Unfortunately, this leaves the adult taking care of others, and the others oftentimes feel as though they are being smothered.

The main growth area for people with anxious attachment is learning to be separated from other people and be ok. We call this autoregulation. People with anxious attachments use people outside of themselves to help regulate their emotions and internal spaces. Asking for what is truly needed is a great step towards healing anxious attachment.