Phases of Healing

For the last few weeks, we've been looking at what insecure attachment looks like. This week I'd like to take a look at what healing looks like. It is so easy to identify where we are off and where things are broken. As important as it is to recognize and become aware of our brokenness it is just as important to take time to recognize and honor our growth!

There are four basic phases of healing that we can become aware of and use as a guide to determine where we might be on our healing journey. Before we outline these I think it is important to set a couple of ground rules for each of us to consider as we look at this. First, everyone goes at their own pace. These examples are not meant to be used to compare yourself to another person, but only to look at and recognize where you have grown and areas where you still struggle. A person can be between phases or vacillate between two phases for a while. That's normal and okay! I hope that you will find these as encouraging as I did and that instead of focusing on where you still need to grow take a few moments and appreciate the growth. Appreciate the new space you feel, the new awareness of your internal world, and the new recognition of toxic and dysfunctional behaviors in others and yourself.

Phase 1- I call this phase: BLINDNESS

In phase one, you do not realize there is a problem. Life isn't going as you want it to but you may not be sure why...other than other people are always messing things up for you and hurting you. In this phase, you have no idea about insecure attachment. You may refuse to "see" the problems (it's possible that seeing them may feel too overwhelming or too painful). Some of the things people in phase one may experience include:

• lack of awareness of coping mechanisms (both good and bad)

• Easily become emotionally dysregulated

• Justification of insecure behavior

• Lack of taking personal responsibility for actions- instead blame is assigned to others

• Feelings of powerlessness over the events and relationships in life

• Lack of recognition of poor behavior and slowness to resolve relational ruptures

Phase 2- I call this phase: AWARENESS

In phase two, the blinders have been removed, and you see the dysfunctions in relationships. Patterns that you didn’t know were there suddenly begin to emerge. You recognize problems in relationships and behaviors that are toxic- although you may not see it or be able to stop it in the moment. Sometimes you may only feel that something is off and after some time reflecting you understand what happened. Self-reflection is something you may begin to practice in this phase of healing along with:

• Feeling helpless to change things at times

• Other times feeling hopeful for healthy changes

• Feeling like there is no going back to the way things were your eyes can’t be shut again

• Taking personal responsibility for some problems in relationships

• It may take some time but you begin talking about what happened, how it made you feel

• Your ability to stay out of shame while sharing is growing as you become aware

• Seeing what is causing you to become emotionally dysregulated

• Recognizing what kinds of behaviors would make your relationships better

• Accepting that you are the only one who can truly change your relationships

Phase 3- What I call – QUIETNESS

In phase three, you are becoming more yourself. You see how other people are behaving and what they are doing to either build up or tear down relationships. Your internal world, understanding, and kindness towards yourself and others has begun to grow. There is a new peace in situations that typically would have caused you deep distress in the past. It is like something that has always been there is suddenly missing and you are better for it. I call this phase the quiet phase because you know what is happening yet you don’t exactly know how to respond as you would like to just yet. One thing is certain though- you know how you don’t want to respond. This is where the quietness comes in. You know what is destructive and you have decided to stay away from destruction so you say nothing, yet. In this phase, you might also:

• Recognize the moment you are being triggered

• Have awareness of relational predators (people that are out to serve themselves at the expense of others)

• Deeply desire to be a protector of the weak from relational predators

• Recognize quickly ruptures in the relationship and repair them without hesitation

• Begin to take care of yourself by providing space for rest

• Regularly reach out to people who can help you in distress

• Recognize your emotions and take responsibility for them

• Know when you need to apologize and you know when you need to not take responsibility

• See and catch insecure patterns quickly

• Avoid fear bonding with others

Phase 4- RESTORATION & SECURITY

In phase four, you have grown so much that you may not even be recognizable to people who once knew you. Those who desire to heal may start to draw near and you recognize what phase they are in and may be able to help them. Conversely, those who do not desire to have healthy relationships and do not desire to see others walk in health may steer clear of you, or they may begin to attack you to discredit the growth you’ve experienced. In the past, this may have bothered you and taken up a lot of brain space. Now, in this phase of healing, you allow them to believe whatever they’d like about you and you accept their choice to do so, knowing that your identity is secure no matter what they or others believe about you. In this phase you may also:

• Recognize patterns and respond in love

• Feel a deep sense of security in who you are

• Live as your true self

• Drop all performances that attempt to earn love, belonging, or protection

• At times your emotions and feelings may be powerful enough to knock you off track but you know the way back and are not detoured by them for long

• build relationships with others who desire to be authentic

• lead the way for others and provide a safe space for them to grow just like you did

I am so thankful for the ways that I have grown and also so hopeful for the ways that I will continue growing as I keep walking this path. My mentor told me that when we perform we leave others behind. Most people who have insecure attachments have them because they were left behind. Their core identity and being were

never accepted, cherished, and given a place of belonging. My true heart does not want to leave anyone behind. I don’t want to perform in a way that causes others to have to join my act. So, I will continue the journey of becoming my true self, throwing off my performances, and masks, and living from the heart that Jesus gave me.