Secure attachment in the Bible

The Bible is clear on many things and on others not so clear. Attachment is a word that is not explicitly mentioned in the Bible in reference to relationships, however, there are clear examples of secure attachments in the Bible. In this article, we will be discussing the psychological theory of attachment and a Psalm written by King David. Attachment can be described as

• A feeling that binds one to a person, thing, cause, ideal, or the like; devotion; regard

• An emotional bond between an infant or toddler and a primary caregiver

• An enduring emotional bond that develops between one adult and another in an intimate relationship

About half of the people who are alive today have developed insecure attachments because of relationships with their primary caregivers and other important people throughout their life. Insecure attachments make relationships difficult because the one with an insecure attachment has a distorted view of self and of the other with whom they are in a relationship.

Does Attachment Matter?

For those with Anxious attachment, the thought of being alone and separated from the other is overwhelming and energy is spent trying to stay in constant contact and connection. On the other hand, those with Dismissive attachment will deny their need for the other due to their needs not being met previously. They will spend their energy caring for themselves and staying disconnected from others out of self-protection because in the past connection has been painful for them or they did not receive it. Those with Disorganized attachment will be hot and cold, desperately desiring to connect and yet filled with fear from the one they wish to connect with.

For those with insecure attachments, there is a deep heart cry to have healthy relationships and secure attachments. Thankfully we are not stuck as we are, each one of us has the ability to choose to work towards a secure attachment. As we age we have a chance to cultivate an earned secure attachment with another who is safe. Security within ourselves develops as we realize are steady and secure when we are close to others and when we are far from them emotionally and physically. y did not receive it. Those with Disorganized attachment, will be hot and cold, desperately desiring to connect and yet filled with fear from the one they wish to connect with.

For those with insecure attachments there is a deep heart cry to have healthy relationships and secure attachments. Thankfully we are not stuck as we are, each one of us has the ability to choose to work towards a secure attachment. As we age we have a chance to cultivate an earned secure attachment with another who is safe. Security within ourselves develops as we realize are steady and secure when we are close to others and when we are far from them emotionally and physically.

What Does the Bible Say?

In my church family, we practice a form of Bible study called Discovery Bible study (Thanks Alex 😊 for introducing us to it). One week we were doing our discovery Bible Study on Psalm 131 and God opened my eyes to secure attachments in a new way as we worked through these simple few verses. I’d like to share these insights with you now.

Psalm 131

Lord, my heart is not proud; my eyes are not haughty. I don’t concern myself with matters too great or too awesome for me to grasp. 2 Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself, like a weaned child who no longer cries for its mother’s milk. Yes, like a weaned child is my soul within me. 3 O Israel, put your hope in the Lord— now and always.

In this Psalm, David states that his heart is not proud, his eyes are not haughty, and he is not concerning himself with matters that are too great or awesome for him to grasp. As the King, he has the authority to involve himself in anything he wishes. However, he is so secure in who he is that he does not have to prove himself. He does not have to make others respect him, he does not have to be in charge or to know everything. He is content to be who he is and involved where he needs to be without asserting himself.

He goes on to say that he has calmed and quieted himself like a weaned child who no longer cries for his mother’s milk. That his soul is like a weaned child within himself. This is where David is showing attachment symbolism to remind himself of his secure attachment to God.

Infant Attachment

When a baby is born and nursed it is completely dependent upon its mother for milk, and external regulation. When it cries, it rages until it is satisfied. There is no delayed gratification. He cries and he is comforted.

As a child grows and is weaned, he no longer gets the milk when he cries. Instead, he must wait longer and longer between moments of being satisfied. Until one day the child no longer receives complete comfort from the provision of milk from the mother- he is weaned. He learns that he can go longer and longer from the mother’s breast “presence” and return later for comfort.

This shows us the pattern of attachment. Initially, there is constant careful connection and provision as well as external regulation of needs. As the child grows the quieting and comforting shifts from solely on the mother to the young boy providing self-quieting based on the experience he has had in the past with his mother.

Secure Attachment is Steady When Near and When Far

He is confident and sure within himself as he has learned that he will still be protected and provided for although now he has become his own unique individual self. He is comforted by the reuniting of himself and his mother and does not have to fear.

What a beautiful image David shares with us about his soul and how he has learned to depend upon God. In our attachment relationships, we all go through a similar experience (of sorts) with our caregivers and can learn from this example what it looks like to be interdependent by coming to one another for comfort as David describes.

When we develop secure attachments we are secure on the inside. Our security doesn’t depend upon the other person. We are secure and confident when they are close- we are not afraid and do not need to hide. We are also secure and confident when they are not nearby. We do not fear that they will never return and that we must keep them happy to keep them nearby. We become comfortable with space and with closeness. What a joy to be confident within.